Halloween: Resurrection (2002)
Bad Movie Studios Halloween-A-Thon Part 3
It’s taken me longer to get this review out than I had originally planned. This is part 3 of Bad Movie Studios Halloween-A-Thon. This time, the movie is Halloween: Resurrection. This film was a sequel to Halloween H20 (1998), which was itself a direct sequel to Halloween 2 (1981). Halloween H20 brought back Jamie Lee Curtis as Louri Strode, and was for the most part, a decent sequel. It had it’s problems but it wasn’t as incoherent of a mess as Halloween 6 was. This movie picks up three years after the events of the last film and was released in theaters in July of 2002. Something that I tell people is that I break down movies into two different categories, Good and Entertaining. A movie can can have a $1,000,000,000 budget and be neither, so really money and how many people see it aren’t really a factor. It’s all about your personal opinion, and in my case, I judge the film on it’s technical and artistic aspects and also how well it conveys things to me. So with that being said, I feel I should note that this movie was profitable. It cost about $13 million and took in over $37 million. Halloween H20 did better, costing $17 mil and making $55. But my point is that just because a movie has made money doesn’t mean it’s good. Halloween 6 was a worthless steaming pile of co dung (to steal a line from Jim Carrey in Liar Liar) and yet it still made money, costing around $5,000,000.00 and making a little over $15,000,000.00. Money doesn’t mean everything when it comes to quality. So let’s take a look at Halloween Resurrection and see if the money it made is any reflection to how good it is.
This movie immediately begins to answer that question right from the opening sequence. Lauri Strode gives a monologue talking about heaven and hell, and she is once again played here by Jamie Lee Curtis. I should also tell you, that this is the last time she will be played by Jamie Lee Curtis. We see that Lauri is in a mental institution. Two nurses talk about her and we get a recap of the events of the last movie. Now one thing I liked about the last movie was the ending. The final 15 minutes were really entertaining and by fer the best parts of the film. But what really set it right to me was the fact that it was a legitimate ending. I will not spoil it, but Halloween H20 has what is a perfect cap to a good slasher movie. It’s final and absolute. This movie, Halloween Resurrection, manages in 5 minutes to take that great ending, and piss on it. The beginning of this movie completely undermines the events in the last film, and quickly starts setting in the feeling of “same old shit”. The beginning of this movie also males it seem like Lauri Strode is indeed crazy, seeing Michael out of her window and such, but literally only a minute or two later, that idea is thrown out of said window. Turns out that any suspense of Michael Myers return is deader then the chances of this movie actually being good. After a couple of poor kills and a shot taken directly out of the last film, we get Michael chasing Lauri through the Mental Hospital. They end up on the roof where Lauri has a trap set for her brother. She gives a few lines that seem very out of character (even if she is crazy) and with all the grace of an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, Michael Myers ends up killing his sister after 23 years. Yes. In the opening 15 minutes of this movie, the most important character to the franchise is killed off. Not in the climax, not in a scene that carries any weight, but in the opining bit that’s as bland and as tasteless as a non salted cracker. Everything about the beginning of this movie is bad. There is no suspense, the people who die don’t matter anyway they’re just there to be killed, there isn’t any weight given to the situation, it just happens and then it’s done. And the worst part is when Michael actually kills Jamie Lee Curtis, he really doesn’t KILL her, he gets lucky. It’s basically an “oops, I dropped my knife, would you mind stabbing yourself with it?” kind of moment. Anyway, it ends with Michael giving his knife to a patient who has an obsession with serial killers and he walks off as the Halloween theme plays the credits into sight, while the guy talks about Michael’s history of killing people.
After the atrocious opening, we get an early look at the glorified buffet of this film, the teenagers. Or as I like to call them COLLAGE KIDS. You’re only going to get that if you’ve seen Tucker and Dale vs Evil and read my review for it. Anyway. They’re all so stereotypical that they might as well be named after it. We have The Attention Whore, The Edgy Weirdo, The Comedy Relief/Jockish Black Guy, The Stick Up His Ass White Guy, The Creepy Guy, and our main character, White Girl Who Screams A Lot and Thought This Was A Bad Idea In The First Place…girl. And to top off this onslaught of metonymy, we have Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes leading all these kids into an internet show where they will all go into Michael Myers’ old house. I feel like I should mention that Busta Rhymes looks like he had his eyeballs taped shut. Or he was high. Probably high.
I’m gonna back track a sec here and say that, these characters are so stereotypical, that I have decided that the names I’ve given them, will be the names they are referred to for the rest of the review. Because who they really are, is not important. Also, every time Busta Rhymes talks, I swear to god he took acting lessons from Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s that over the top. So can at least say that the plot to this movie moves along at a decent pace. Essentially what’s gonna happen in ths movie is that Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks run an internet show and they’ve gotten these kids to attach cameras to themselves and go into the old Michael Myers house. Not only will they me going in there, the wont be able to get out until it’s all over. But they never really say what “over” entails. An interesting note here is that the actors had real cameras attached to them, so that what you see from there points of view is what was really filmed. Kind of a neat trick, and I would have liked to see them do something with it, but nothing ever comes with it.
Around a half an hour in, we finally get everyone in the house, and they proceed to dick around and look through things in the Myers house. I would say that this would be a good opportunity to start getting a little suspense going on with Michael stalking the kids or having the viewers debating when he’s gonna show in the house, but that gets thrown out the same window from before as they immediately have him kill the guy setting up the cameras. The kill is boring by the way, with a noticeable amount of cliche thrown in there and a bad one liner by Tyra Banks that adds some more dull spice to this already unsalted cracker of a movie. Yeah I’ve used that twice now, but really that’s the perfect metaphor.
So back to the asinine haunted house project. Guy With a Stick up his ass keeps following Attention Whore around and keeps trying to get her to take her clothes off, with the hopes of a little action. Any compelling action in this film would like finding emotion in Kristen Stewart’s Twilight performance. So Guy with a Stick up his Ass ends up getting a knife placed firmly between his lungs. I will say that I almost didn’t expect him to did the when did. Like, I was thinking to myself “boy it would be great if he was killed right now” and then that’s exactly what happened. Can’t say I’m complaining. By the way the kill is lame. Essentially all the action happens off camera. (I know that this is completely random, but I have to say that one of the girls in this movie, The Weirdo, looks like Julianne Moore)
Our gaggle of walking knife holders continues to dick about the house, finding secret passageways and some of Michael’s personal effects. Pretty much the movie sets up the idea that Michael had been going back to his old home over the years. I’m sorry, but how would have he gone missing if he kept returning to his house? Since when would the police not search his home back at the end of the second movie? Better yet, WHY WOULD THEY NOT CONDEMN THE GODAMN PLACE! God this movie is stupid.
It turns out that not only is Michael in the house stalking the kids, but that Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks have rugged the house itself with different props and things to make is scary. But then….then we get something I thought I’d never see. Busta Rhymes, dressed up as Michael Myers, yelling at the real Michael Myers, thinking that he’s someone on the show. Text words cannot describe the hilarity of this sequence. And the funny part is, Michael just walks away. HE WALKS AWAY! After being berated by “himself” and told about some back door being left open, he walks away. Then again, what would you do in his position?
Well shortly after, Weirdo gets offed and Attention Whore and Black Guy get high. Probably with Busta Rhymes. There’s a real problem with this movie over exposing Michael Myers. An hour into the movie you’ve seen him about a dozen times. And with Busta Rhymes playing the fake Michael Myers, it gets really inconsistent. Moments when Michael’s really there, you don’t know if it’s him or the fake one, but then when it is the fake one, you were expecting it all along. There’s no suspense. So FINALLY they find out that Michael is actually killing people, when Attention Whore finds the corpse of the Guy With The Stick Up His Ass, and then promptly gets decapitated. The Douche Bag gets his head crushed, as Michael starts going after the Black Guy and our main character. The Black Guy then lures The Shape to the kitchen (oh by the way he’s a chef or something) and tried to fight him. As you can probably guess, Michael kills him.
I should also mention that our Main character has a friend who is some sort of pen pal or something. She gets him to watch the show and so when she’s the only one left, she talks to him through the camera telling him she needs help. So When Michael is coming after her (both the fake and real one) he texts her to tell here where he is in relation to her so she can get away. Well this sort of helps change up the dynamic of the final chase sequence, it also serves to minimize what little atmosphere and suspense there is. After Busta Rhymes finds out that the other Michael Myers is actually the real one, he drops the mask and, I can’t believe I’m saying this, kung fu fights with Michael Myers. Cheesy Bruce Lee noises included. And you wanna know something? HE WINS! HE ACTUALLY KICKS MICHAEL MYERS ASS. Of course Michael isn’t dead and in a Scooby Doo inspired moment, shows up again to chase down our Main Heroin. Pretty much we just get shots of Michaels handiwork from here on out while Main Character girl runs from him. You’d think that after 8 movies Michael might have learned how to run but no. Not at all. We do however get to find out that Tyra Banks is dead, killed off screen at some point. Honestly I saw this coming, but it was oddly refreshing to see her hanging over a pile of her own blood. Is that wrong? Our Main character then attempts to take it too Michael with a chainsaw while spewing more crappy dialogue than acceptable for anyone to be taken seriously, but in the melee some electrical wires get cut and the room lights on fire. But right before she gets to meet her maker, Busta Rhymes returns once more to save the day. Where did he go? Oh, right, Michael stabbed him before and we thought he was dead. But apparently not. So he tried to battle Michael again and gets his ass kicked, but manages to electrocute the slasher villain until he finally bursts into flames. Yeah Busta Rhymes killed Michael Myers. That happened. Well, that is until it doesn’t happen and he’s revealed alive. Again.
I have to be honest. The acting in this movie is just as bad as Halloween 6. The story is nonsense and you can’t get more bare bones and cliché as far a a slasher movie is concerned. This movie is absolute crap. And I liked it. That’s the real sad part. I can’t actually say it was boring and somehow it did manage to keep me entertained all the way through. Halloween H20 to me was a better film, but this was surprisingly more entertaining. Somehow. So my Final Rating for this film is
It barely passes. Even through all this movies garbage, I cant help but find a Kung Fu fight between a rapper and a serial killer not funny. That and Tyra Banks gets torn to pieces, so that’s good to me. It’s the farthest thing from perfect, but like I said in the beginning of this review, perfect doesn’t mean entertainment and money doesn’t mean quality. This movie is very low quality. And that works. Well, that’s Halloween Resurrection, and with the review finished, that brings us to Part 4 of Halloween-A-Thon, which will also be the final part. The finally to this series delving into the sequels of Halloween, will be Halloween II. And no not the 1981 follow up to the original classic, but the sequel of Rob Zombies remake from 2009. So stick around for the end of Bad Movie Studios Halloween-A-Thon.
- Bad Movie Studios on: Sequels (thatfighterguy.wordpress.com)
- Bad Movie Studios: Halloween-A-Thon! (thatfighterguy.wordpress.com)
- And Here It Is, Halloween (1978) – Film Review (thatfighterguy.wordpress.com)
- Bad Movie Studios Halloween-A-Thon Review: Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (thatfighterguy.wordpress.com)
- Bad Movie Studios’ Halloween-A-Thon Part 2: Halloween H20 (1998) Film Review (thatfighterguy.wordpress.com)